Shrinking

For years I suffered from an eating disorder / body dismorphic disorder known as "manorexia." Some of you will be familiar with anorexia, in which no matter how small one gets they see themselves as huge. Well, that's not me. I battled manorexia - a condition in which sufferers, no matter how huge their beer belly may become, no matter how out of shape they get, they honestly believe they are super hot and athletic.

I am unique, I would suspect, among ladies, in that most often women are overly critical of their bodies, as this is what society has conditioned us to do. But men! Men are taught to be in love with themselves, and regardless of their physical condition, they are taught they have the right to expect a physically flawless partner. I spent my teen-aged years surrounded by men, so perhaps I absorbed this way of viewing myself in the world.

This past summer I was at an all time high weight of 260-something pounds... and to be honest, I didn't realize! I FELT as though I was about 200lbs, and still fairly athletic. I am now in the 170's, and still feel pretty much the same: I feel moderately overweight, and fairly athletic... the same way I felt almost 90lbs ago.

Logically, I realize I am significantly smaller now, more flexible, and more capable physically than I was just a few short months ago. But it seems I now more closely resemble the (sadly) stereotypical female of our culture in that I see myself as bigger than the tape measurer tells me I am.

I'm actively working on this - not because I value my mental health particularly... rather, it is because I have always despised skinny women calling themselves fat! Lest I lose more and turn into an obnoxious skinny bitch with self-esteem issues, I am working on seeing ME, and not the version of me in my head.

Who's with me? Who's ready to love themselves as they truly are?!

Single Mom, Ranting.... a primer.

I've been considering joining the blogosphere for some time. After all, who among us hasn't seen the posts of our friends and not thought, "Ooh! I could do that!" I see Momma McFarland's handiwork, or the delightful musings of Queen Christine, and I can't help but wonder if maybe I too should write it all down, as it were. And why not?

Well, there are two main reasons I have not, thus far, joined in (even though, apparently, all the cool kids are doing it). First, to blog is to openly admit to one's narcissism. The simple act of writing about my life, and letting people know where to read it, then expecting those people to show a modicum of interest... well, these actions are all indicative of a belief that other people genuinely care to know what I think! And as you all know (there are readers, right?!) I prefer to hide my vanity as much as possible...

The second reason is far more pragmatic: I don't have time! While my to-do list on any given day is fairly short, it seems to take hours to complete even the simplest of tasks now that I am a mom. So, if there are folks reading this, please forgive infrequent posting.

So, now that I have arrived, here's what you should know: I am a 20-something momma to an almost 1 year old boy... we'll call him McGee. Though I completed an undergraduate degree before the arrival of my son, I am slowly muddling my way towards a future at this point by trying to get in to a PA program. In the meantime, I help out around my family's judo dojo, I am studying for the GRE, and I am learning how to be a mom. That last task has proven the most difficult for me, by far.

The point of this blog is for me to have a place to rant about the many joys and trials associated with being a single mother. While there are other single mom's blogging in this world, I feel it's worth adding my voice to the throng, as I am not what one would call "maternal" by nature... in fact, I'm kind of a dude on the inside. A confirmed tomboy since birth, I navigate the world of femininity precariously, picking and choosing which aspects I deem acceptable for myself. I am an activist, a feminist, a mommy, a Christian, an athlete at times, a woman by choice... I am crude and crass, yet loving and kind. I'm McGee's mom. I'm Valarie! Pleased to meet you :)