Shrinking

For years I suffered from an eating disorder / body dismorphic disorder known as "manorexia." Some of you will be familiar with anorexia, in which no matter how small one gets they see themselves as huge. Well, that's not me. I battled manorexia - a condition in which sufferers, no matter how huge their beer belly may become, no matter how out of shape they get, they honestly believe they are super hot and athletic.

I am unique, I would suspect, among ladies, in that most often women are overly critical of their bodies, as this is what society has conditioned us to do. But men! Men are taught to be in love with themselves, and regardless of their physical condition, they are taught they have the right to expect a physically flawless partner. I spent my teen-aged years surrounded by men, so perhaps I absorbed this way of viewing myself in the world.

This past summer I was at an all time high weight of 260-something pounds... and to be honest, I didn't realize! I FELT as though I was about 200lbs, and still fairly athletic. I am now in the 170's, and still feel pretty much the same: I feel moderately overweight, and fairly athletic... the same way I felt almost 90lbs ago.

Logically, I realize I am significantly smaller now, more flexible, and more capable physically than I was just a few short months ago. But it seems I now more closely resemble the (sadly) stereotypical female of our culture in that I see myself as bigger than the tape measurer tells me I am.

I'm actively working on this - not because I value my mental health particularly... rather, it is because I have always despised skinny women calling themselves fat! Lest I lose more and turn into an obnoxious skinny bitch with self-esteem issues, I am working on seeing ME, and not the version of me in my head.

Who's with me? Who's ready to love themselves as they truly are?!